An X-Ray of my emotions and deeply personal dramas on display
For anyone who wishes to view
In a culture where someone else’s drama and problems
Are more fulfilling than food an water to the emaciated…
I relive the feelings that displayed public X-Ray day by day
In many different ways
Each emotion
As if starring down one thousand needles surrounding only one straw of hay
Each relived second
Sucks away one more breath that I do not have to spare
These stressful relived seconds
They weaken my pulse
They thin my hair
All of my personal details
Now are not only mine to bare
But merely a spectacle for others
Have I ever felt so exposed?
No
For these things that were put-on for show
I do not even face alone…
What is more insane?
Whats more scary?
Than to be completely exposed
To others who are hungrier for nothing more than to use anything they can against you
Your exposure alone
More fulfilling than food and water to the emaciated…
Each day I review and relive one or many parts
Whether I am feeling the drama all over again, causing a light head and fluttery heart
Or feeling the embarrassment of my entire reputation being ripped apart
I am on display.
At least if I were to write everything down in a book
Or publish my most intimate photos an expressions
It would be my choice
But I have experienced people exposing everything about me
Through their own heinous and vulgar voice
Not mine…
Nickles and dimes…
My drama and perceived shame now an accepted currency amongst peers
For the further I seem to fall, the more they advance in their games
What I have felt in a few months
The emotional turmoil, ups and downs
Most do not have the capacity to feel even if spread over many many years
Tell me, what is to be gained by a lie?
Possibly more time?
Time was something I so desperately craved
Looking at a working clock
The second hand never stops
I asked it, “Why?”
To which I got no answer other than the same mundane ticking noise that will always fill
The quiet of silent rooms and silent thoughts
I think we all know the loud noise
Of even the most quiet ticks and tocks
What is to be gained by public shame?
Who exactly wins in this game?
People who I don’t even know…
Their mouths filled with my name
I’d given up drinking for several months
Feeling I’d never go back to alcohol fueled days of numbing pain
Mornings of hangovers spent in a haze…
But finally, at last
Tonight, at last
These seconds, at last
I drink wine
Plotting out how to reclaim what was one mine
There is something beautiful in personal accountability and ownership
But something stronger when it has been forced
When you’ve been given no time
The fire of your anger lighting a new, unforeseen path
A blazing torch
Disciplinary actions making me cry
Executive decisions made on the fly
Commanding energy keeping my head held high
I will reclaim what was once mine.
You can put my Xray of emotions on display
Whether you are eager for entertainment or leading others to learn lessons
So you claim…
I can handle anything you do and more
Honestly, your attempts to shame me are foreseeable
So, I yawn because I am now bored
I know it bothers some
That I never lost my dignity
That they could not take away my integrity or pride
Yes, there was pain and sadness and hurt in each and every cell of my eyes
Yes, my they watered and the water fell down my cheeks and my chin
But do not take my tears as your win
Behind the tears I cried…
Through my shaking voice I plea…
These things I need you to answer me:
That by trying to pummel me into the ground…
Did you forget that the purpose of a seed exploding from the inside out is to grow?
Did you forget that I love attention and that this is my show?
Did you forget that there is nothing you could tell me, about me, that I don’t already know?
Did you forget that I can only reach the highest peaks, after experiencing the lowest lows?
Did you forget that David and Goliath once went toe to toe?
What you used for your entertainment became my evolution
So, my Xray of emotions on display for anyone to view
Became the ultimate art exhibit
Showcasing various patterns and vibrant hues
A mere peak into my life
All left to personal interpretation
I know that my ability to emote and feel is the most authentic thing about me…
So the next time you put my X-Ray of emotions on display,
Please at least let me sign the corner of the copy
So as to avoid stealing something that was never yours to begin with
(a.k.a. COPYRIGHTING!)
Taylor J